1.21.2016

January 21, 2016

White Dog gently pushed Nilla against my leg. "You two just go somewhere and sit quietly alone, you need the time to just share." Nilla arrived days before Ferguson did, unexpectedly, but the two of them instantly become inseparable. Our Taiko Twins. Each had a personality that highlighted one side of Tai's duality...Nilla was outgoing and eager to please...Ferguson more restrained with a bit of loner to himself. Both had the most wonderful smiles...just like their Angel brother. She has been lost and confused since Ferguson left us.

We took White Dog's advice and cuddled together on the bed. She stretched out and I softly brushed her now rich thick furs. We shared random thoughts.

It is amazing that in a house full of ten dogs, that one quiet, to himself guy could be so noticeably missing.

The two absolutely worst moments after...removing Ferguson's collar with his identification and WDA membership; it is horrific to see him so stripped...and for the White Dog Army when we returned after delivering his remains to Best Friends; he leaves with us but we come home alone.

For Steve the empty bowl rips his heart out.

Not having answers is unbearable. We were all prepared to fight cancer and knew in our hearts it would ultimately win. But we were NOT expecting the white blood cell spiking infection or apparent stroke that left him blind and unable to walk to spring out of no where and take him from us.

Appreciating Ferguson's kind gentle soul that wanted so much to spare us making tough decisions or experiencing goodbyes that he chose to leave half and hour before Steve got home from work, while I was out of the room and the WDA was peacefully napping around him.  But still I wish I could have held him in my arms and let the last words he heard be "I love you."

Nilla and I began to talk about how we did not even have the chance for a final Ferg Bucket List where we did everything he loved. But we stopped when we realized that he never liked car rides...that he could not enjoy a great meal...that running at the park was out of the question. He DID spend his last days doing his favorite thing we realized...being the homebody he always was in the thick of WDA life surrounded by the sights and sounds and rhythm of the life that always made him smile.

We are glad Fergus is no longer in pain, fighting on so many fronts the various battles of his body. That gives us comfort. But it is hard not to feel defeated that in all of our belief and love we could not gain him more health or time.

We know we are blessed, Nilla and I. Ferguson added a color and texture to the tapestry of our life that only he could bring. We are thankful that of all the homes in the country, he choose to come and join this ragtag Army of White Misfits and Abandoned Souls.

We are not yet ready to move his portrait to the Tribute Wall, he is still my Lover of Life, or to consider our promise but the time will come...and like his passing...Ferguson will let us know when.


P.S. Thank you Ann from Zoolatry for this beautiful badge.

9 comments:

Gus said...

Whether he heard them or not, whether you said them or not, Fergi BELIEVED that you loved him, that he was loved and respected by the army, and that all of you will be together again.

Our love to you

Random Felines said...

we KNOW he knew how loved he was.....we wish we had some magic words, but honestly all we can say is how very sorry we are for all of you

John Bellen said...

I read on Random Felines about Ferguson's passing. "We love you" may not have been the last thing he heard, but it was certainly the last thing he felt. He was surrounded by his family, and he died in his home. How many people pray that they may go in such circumstances. And yet it still leaves an emptiness with you, I know. Godspeed, Ferguson.

Brian said...

Yep, that empty is so hard to fill, indeed.

Katiez Furry Mewz said...

Thank you for this beautiful tribute to Ferguson - shared with your readers. He left surrounded by his family that he loves you soo much, just as you love him still.

Purrz,
Katie Kat.

The Meezers or Billy said...

we are so very sorry for your loss. Our bestest Eskie furriend Maxx went to the Bridge last weekened. Perhaps he was there to meet a fellow eskie when Ferguson left you. We are crying for your loss.

Colehaus Cats said...

Thank you for sharing Ferguson with us. He knew he was so loved, and will be so missed. Sending soft purrs....

da tabbies o trout towne said...

we did not have the honor of knowing you Ferguson, but wanted
to stop by and offer our sincerest sympathies to your mom, dad
and family ~~~~~~ Godspeed your journey to heaven ♥♥♥

tweedles said...

In time your heart will know that ferguson left, in a way that wa "his way".
I have no doubt that he knew he was loved. I like to think about the rainbow bridge, and how right now he is telling all the fuurys up there,, about his wonderful life with all of you, and how it felt to be loved. Yes, he is speaking about the never ending love from all of you. And he is saying how lucky he was.
We are sorry for the hole that has been left in your home, and in your hearts.
Love tweedles