January 21, 2016
We took White Dog's advice and cuddled together on the bed. She stretched out and I softly brushed her now rich thick furs. We shared random thoughts.
It is amazing that in a house full of ten dogs, that one quiet, to himself guy could be so noticeably missing.
The two absolutely worst moments after...removing Ferguson's collar with his identification and WDA membership; it is horrific to see him so stripped...and for the White Dog Army when we returned after delivering his remains to Best Friends; he leaves with us but we come home alone.
For Steve the empty bowl rips his heart out.
Not having answers is unbearable. We were all prepared to fight cancer and knew in our hearts it would ultimately win. But we were NOT expecting the white blood cell spiking infection or apparent stroke that left him blind and unable to walk to spring out of no where and take him from us.
Appreciating Ferguson's kind gentle soul that wanted so much to spare us making tough decisions or experiencing goodbyes that he chose to leave half and hour before Steve got home from work, while I was out of the room and the WDA was peacefully napping around him. But still I wish I could have held him in my arms and let the last words he heard be "I love you."
Nilla and I began to talk about how we did not even have the chance for a final Ferg Bucket List where we did everything he loved. But we stopped when we realized that he never liked car rides...that he could not enjoy a great meal...that running at the park was out of the question. He DID spend his last days doing his favorite thing we realized...being the homebody he always was in the thick of WDA life surrounded by the sights and sounds and rhythm of the life that always made him smile.
We are glad Fergus is no longer in pain, fighting on so many fronts the various battles of his body. That gives us comfort. But it is hard not to feel defeated that in all of our belief and love we could not gain him more health or time.
We know we are blessed, Nilla and I. Ferguson added a color and texture to the tapestry of our life that only he could bring. We are thankful that of all the homes in the country, he choose to come and join this ragtag Army of White Misfits and Abandoned Souls.
We are not yet ready to move his portrait to the Tribute Wall, he is still my Lover of Life, or to consider our promise but the time will come...and like his passing...Ferguson will let us know when.
P.S. Thank you Ann from Zoolatry for this beautiful badge.