Benson is my quiet boy who is my devoted cuddlebug. He snuggles into my arms and rests his head against my heart. He will sit with me for a long time looking up into my eyes every now and again just to make a deeper connection.
He is my personal therapist without the need for words.
Benson is a brave Warrior in his own fashion. His Calm Certitude sometimes causes me to forget the battle he faces. He is dying, at some unknown speed at this point, of final stage kidney disease. There is nothing more that we can do except live in the moment and handle the swings of each day. Some days he has a voracious appetite; other days he just nibbles a few bits of his special diet. Some days his body rebels with upsetness from either end, but not every day. He is lethargic but then not. Same with confusion and symptoms of dementia speeded up by toxins his body does not filter any longer. The subcutaneous fluids seem like a real pick-me-up or they leave me frustrated at seeing no change. But through it all he is happy and loving.
We have agreed to not wish things were different. They just are...and we face them together, every step of the way. I have let him know that we are a team but I bow to his directives. i suggest and help with things like drinking more water or eating a few more bites, but I don't force him. In return, he genuinely tries his best.
Unless I see pain is an issue, life is his decision, I cannot play god. I will lovingly (as will Steve) assist as necessary and support completely in making sure that Benson has a quality of life that enriches him until he is ready to make a transition. And if he asks for release we have promised to stay with him as far as we can follow to the Bridge. I have already told him not to ask for no tears. There WILL be tears and aching pain. But I have asked him not to let that deter his need to leave when it is time. I accept the pain and tears in exchange for all of the joy and growth we have accomplished together.
We agree that life does not always deal an easy hand but I have vowed he will forever be safe and loved...and never be turned out to the streets to fight for survival and battle rocky mountain spotted fever which damaged his kidneys and almost killed him. Benson is deserving of the best the Universe has to offer. That understood, we just know and trust each other.
Mostly, those things addressed, we are free to just relax into each other and savor the colors of sunset or the hum of the swamp cooler, or Pearl's snoring. After a while Benson will stir and look for help down.
I kiss his head and can never resist reminding him of "his" White Dog Army song: "If you're lost look around and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall i will catch you, I will be waiting. Time after time."
He smiles and steadies himself on his feet before wandering off or circling to lie at my feet. We are at peace.
1 comment:
True love and compassion at its best, Sue.
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