October 19, 2017

White Dog jumped up on the bed in response to Benson’s summons. He and I were entwined in the early hours of the morning. She touched his nose, drew in his breath, gave me a look of understanding and hurried off to share with the rest of the White Dog Army.

Benson of Calm Certitude had chosen this day to leave us.

His request was simple. Just carry on like always; he wanted the comfort of his everyday environment, sounds and security. He could find strength in our “normalcy” and move toward his next adventure without fear.

So we arranged him to spend the late morning and afternoon in the living room, cocooned on bedding in the thick of life. Although he did not participate he heard the song to the mailman. YoYoMa curled up beside Benson’s mats and napped next to him most of the afternoon. Pearl and Bella kept noisy watch at the windows. Nilla gently checked on her brother many times across the afternoon. Even though he had passed the physical need to eat, Benson savored treat time vicariously as the WDA lined up for jerky.  He was bathed in a golden sunpuddle late in the afternoon. Across the day each of his sisters and brothers spent special time with him.

I held him and sang as the pain meds began to wear off. Resting his head against my heart he quieted. “I am NOT promising I will not cry,” I told him. Remedicated with Steve’s help he listened to the anticipation and enjoyment of dinner. He rested his head on Steve’s lap in preference over the syringe of water being offered; the two sat as Steve stroked his side.

Instead of pointless administration of subq fluids, I instead gave him a gentle bubble bath as he stretched out on the bed. He has always loved baths and the warm soothing water relaxed him.

Benson insisted that he wanted to join the crowd in the office to work for a bit. He lay in dreaminess as  Steve as caught up on emails and news. While the rest of the WDA went on bedtime walks, My Very Special Boy and I held each other, silently, knowingly.

It was a “normal” day including nite-nite treats and getting tucked into bed. “I love yous” and kisses filled the room like every night then Steve got up to cover Benson with his blankie right before lights out.

Benson lifted his head, drew a deep breath, and left us.

“Be at peace, my love,” I whispered through tears welling up. “Be whole and healthy and remember my promise is forever as is our love.”