January 20, 2019

White Dog rested her head across Nilla's back; Nilla was lying in my lap. The rest of the White Dog Army moved to flank us. It was nearly bedtime and we were preparing to tuck in our Harmonious Girl for the night.

Nilla shifted to face me and I lifted her into my arms. Her voice was barely a whisper. "Momma, please do not take me to the vet tomorrow. I want to stay here with all of you in our house with our noises and smells. It gives me comfort and peace. And what Dr. Julia has to offer is not going to change or slow where I am headed. Do not poke or stick me any more. You said I am the decider. Please let me sleep and dream and move at my pace. I am not scared with you all around me."

I wrapped my arms around Nilla and swallowed hard. I met White Dog's eyes before I buried my face against Nilla's neck. Steve and I had already had this discussion but I could not look at him. "My special love, we understand and yes, it IS your decision. I know you have taken your time and thought things through and we all will walk with every single step of this hardest part of the journey. I will respect your wishes with two exceptions, if you become wracked with uncontrollable pain or if you start having cluster seizures I will ask for Dr. Julia's associate to come here to help you. We will love you, keep you safe and provide anything you might want."

White Dog spoke for the WDA. "And sister, we will keep watch over you. We will surround you with the sounds of life White Dog Ranch style and hope it brings comfort and serenity even when we are noisy. Those who have gone before you will wrap you in their furs and be with you as well. Know you are cherished by us all."

I kissed my Girl, already sleeping from the effort. Steve put her on her bed in the kitchen that smelled like the chili which had simmered all day; piano music played. We turned on her night light and said goodnight.

We have promised and ask our friends  to not make the last amount of time minutes of sorrow and tears. Nilla deserves positive thoughts, encouragement and love as she bravely looks at transitioning. There will be time later for other emotions. What time is left is a celebration of life, please.

Note: This morning (Monday) I called Dr. Julia first thing to say Nilla would not be in and that she had moved to the point of serious hospice; I gave a brief summary of the weekend and Nilla's status. She concurred that comfort and pain management were the best tools available to us now. "She is lucky to have you and the pack." "WE have been blessed with every second she shares our lives."