November 24, 2020

 White Dog listened. She does that for me...sits quietly and lets me ramble, cry, work it out. WD does not interrupt with suggestions or soothing reassurances because my daemon knows that is not what I need. So after listening to me lay out my fears and concerns about Tizenegy and doing the right thing by him she quietly asked, "Why don't you ask HIM how he feels and what course he wants to follow?"

She was absolutely right. 

Steve helped Tiz up onto our bed and arranged him so that he could comfortably rest next to me as we rested together and spoke of what he was feeling and how HE wanted to proceed. His eyes were bright with life and he responded in a connected, alert way. 

"Momma," he said in my response to how he was feeling with the new medication cocktail, "I am very hungry all of the time but inside my head is not so scary and jumbled anymore. I feel like there is more to life than just not feeling well. I hate not being able to walk, you know how that feels, but I am learning how to wiggle and twist myself to get around on my bed to reach the water and reposition myself. And of course, dad helps me a lot. And my sisters and brother have been so kind in lying with me and sitting guard over me. OK, sometimes I think they are just hoping to snag an extra treat.

"I know you are worried about how far to take treatment, especially if there is a chance that I won't ever walk again or might not be cured, but for now I think we should let Dr. Julia guide us and try what she suggests. I am not ready to give up. I am stronger than you think and you are my inspiration, momma, when it comes to fighting to embrace life. I am blessed, finally in my life, with an incredible family and comfortable home and am sure not ready to leave all of that. " He laughed. "All I REALLY need right now is a hug...and maybe a handful of treats."

I wrapped an arm around my Lucky Number and reached for the treat jar on the headboard. As I fed him cookies I explained that the steroid would make his appetite monstrous but the with mobility issues we had to be cautious that he not gain weight. "Heavier is harder," I told him. "You do not need additional challenges." The keppra seems to be the element we can thank for the clearing of brain fog, I explained. "I am so glad that drug has lifted your depression and that it helps you sleep all night." 

Then I choked up for a second. Tiz looked up at me. "I want you to understand, Baby Boy. YOU drive this bus. I won't play god and neither will Dr. Julia. We will fight alongside of you as long as you are willing to push on but if you each the point when it is too much or you are too tired or..." "He rested his head on my knee. "I know, momma, I know your heart and dad's. Thank you. For now let's do what we do best...Warrior On!"